Crying During Yoga Class: Practicing through difficult emotions

When I arrived at yoga class today, there was a substitute teacher. Each time I experience a new teacher's style, it is inevitably an enjoyable opportunity. 

Today was no exception.  


When I arrived in class, the teacher was already leading  a chant. I quietly placed a yoga mat down on of the few available spots on the hardwood studio floor and immediately joined in.  


She then led us in a variety of poses, noting that we would "take it easy," since it is the start of the new year. A few of us chuckled. I wondered if it was because they, too, felt that the asanas we were doing, particularly the repeated and long-held chair poses(Utkatasana I), were anything but taking it easy. 

Chair Pose | Image Courtesy of YogaClass

It felt good though. I had come into class a bit emotionally elevated, having just had a difficult conversation that didn't go as I had hoped. My body was still feeling the effects of the situation. I walked into the gym with freshly dried tear tracks, glassy eyes, and an obligatory smile for the front desk staff. 


I  scurried  my way back to the studio and made a decision to allow my mind and body to continue to move through the process that those parts of me were experiencing, while also remaining steadfast in my commitment to practice yoga today.


There I was, with body, mind, and spirit on board. It felt good to follow through, despite the sadness and heartbreak I was experiencing in that moment. 


Eagle pose (Garuda-asana), for some reason, was particularly comforting. Perhaps it was a combination of the balancing and the twisted nature of the pose that caused me to feel held and supported. 

Eagle Pose | Image Courtesy of iSport

Choosing my yoga practice, even in the midst of a challenging emotional experience, proved to be helpful and healing. 


Have you ever shown up for something in the midst of an emotional experience? 


How did showing up and following through affect your mood for the rest of the day? 


What yoga poses comfort you? 




Namaste.

Chopra Center 21-Day Meditation Challenge | Day 10 | Be Gentle With Yourself

Tonight's meditation, Day 10 in the Chopra Center's 21-Day Meditation Challenge, was all about the question "Who am I?" I think we all end up thinking this at some point in our lives on a serious level. Who am I? Why am I here?

I found this particular meditation to be quite timely. Though I am most often a sharer of joy and optimism and a cheerleader for the hurting, I have personally been going through a roller coaster of emotions with an unanticipated bout of depression and anxiety that comes and goes through out the day. My current state is not completely without explanation, but it is unpleasant nonetheless. The refuge I take in this experience is that I am alive and able to feel at such a deep level, which has brought some deeper inspiration from a different perspective. I think that at least some of this energy can be positively channeled through my writing.


No matter how sad we may feel at any given time, if we are still breathing, we have hope. It can be so difficult to see and remember other instances where we've persevered through difficulties to enjoy life to the fullest again when we are caught up in the darkness of depression or the overwhelm of anxiety.


I used to be afraid of depression. I'd experienced it in the past and worried that it would destroy me. Depression is serious and it is very important that we reach out to others for help and support (which I have done), but if we look at if from the perspective of experiencing incredibly deep and dark emotions that we would otherwise never encounter, we can appreciate what this experience means. Not that we want it. Not that we'd like it. Not that we'd wish it on our very worst enemy. Not that we'd ask for it. Not that we'd hope for it.


But if it has come, what might happen if we embrace it for a moment? Even asking that made me feel awkward inside. How do we "embrace" depression? Why would we want to? Shouldn't we run as far away from it as quickly as we possibly can? Shouldn't we deny it and fake it 'til we make it? Plaster on a smile and go about business as usual, fooling everyone but ourselves?

None of the latter has worked for me - so perhaps investigating the source of the depression - be it current life circumstances...old wounds that have been re-opened by some trigger...a chemical imbalance...something altogether different...or all of the above...and observing it without judgment as much as possible might be the answer.


What if we tap into the truth about who we really are through meditation and allow these things to reveal themselves in their own time? Most of us (including me at this time in my life) cannot afford the luxury of a sabbatical where we go on a trip and "discover ourselves" like Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of "Eat, Pray, Love" was so blessed to do.

But perhaps we can take a mini-break. I hope and pray that this opportunity avails itself to you should you need it. Let the Universe know that you are open and ready and willing to pass through this storm in order to connect with the parts of you that you are forgetting - the eternal, love-filled self that has always been and always will be.


The few lucid moments that I have when I am able to tap into this truth, my problems seem much smaller. In proportion to eternity, a bout with depression seems like something more tolerable and very temporary. That's not to minimize it. That's not to say it doesn't suck worse than anything else we can imagine. It also doesn't mean that acknowledging this will be the "cure-all" that releases you and sets you immediately on to a happier path (I speak from current experience).


But, it does take some of the edge off. It does make me think that there is SOME purpose to this current suffering. That somehow, if I deal with whatever has rocked my world, my mind, my body, my spirit, my internal chemistry, I may find healing and a more genuine happiness than the one I pretended to have for others' sakes for so long.


Perhaps I will feel freer. Perhaps.


Day 10 of 21. The journey continues.


Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo

Runaway Yoga - Why I've been Avoiding Practicing

Since I've returned to working after a long period of unemployment, I've noticed that my physical practice of Yoga has slowly slipped further and further into oblivion. It wasn't until this week, when I noticed that my neck and shoulders had become so tense and painful from my stagnant posture and nearly constant computer usage, that I realized how badly my body was crying out for some Yoga.

I have not been able to reconcile how, much like a person who feels that they should be exercising - who knows it will be good for them and that they will feel fantastic afterward - still avoids it...finding excuses after excuses.



While I was unemployed, Yoga became my rock. I attended at least 4-5 classes a week and enjoyed practicing at home. Yoga was my religion and the studio was my church. My classmates were my fellow parishioners, and the teachers were the ministers.

While I was ecstatic to return to the workforce earning my own money and being able to once again contribute to our strained household finances, I grieved the loss of Yoga as it had become integrated into my life.

I cried a lot about it at first. I'd notice the clock at the time of day when classes would start and end, sometimes letting out an audible "Ommm" or "Namaste," spiritually in sync with all of my classmates who I missed dearly. They had become part of my social network and routine.

I missed and miss all of the time that I invested in and devoted to self-care. Restorative is my favorite, and boy did I indulge. I also love Hatha and Kripalu, and Sun Salutations were not only my moments to honor the sun in its majesty, but the sequences also served as my form of movement and grace.

So, why have I been avoiding practicing? Why would I avoid something I love so much? Something that brings me pleasure and balance?



I decided to find out tonight. Although there is now a local class in my town, I decided to stay at home. Perhaps it would have done me good to go and join a class of others, and maybe I'll try that next week. But tonight, I went solo.

Accompanied by an online recording, I went from one restorative pose to the next, finally settling in savasana/corpse pose for a good 15 minutes. It was then that emotions began to surface. My body was becoming completely relaxed on a physical level, and I suddenly had an overwhelming wave of grief come over me.

I could feel my eyes swell up with tears. I recognized anger, loneliness, sadness, fear. They all showed up. My mind raced with thoughts about so many things. I realized that I had avoided Yoga because Yoga inevitably causes me to slow down and be in the present. It causes the avoidance to stop and for reality to surface.

I don't exactly know why all of those particular emotions showed up, though I have some theories. I think I am saddened by the metamorphosis of my intense passion as my lifestyle has changed. I think that there are some uncertainties in my life that are difficult for me to think about - so constantly bombarding my mind and space with a myriad of things that keep me from sitting still in thought has been my way of coping. I've been coping by avoiding.


And, I completely love myself for it. It is totally human. It's how we protect ourselves. I also love myself and give myself props for reaching down and grasping these issues and for my willingness to look at them and to grow.

I am, by nature, a very upbeat fairy-like creature who likes to spread joy and hope. In my meditation tonight, I realized that there is another side of me that needs to be nurtured too - the part of me that RECEIVES.

All of the emotions that I experienced can easily be traced to feelings of resentment in my perception of feeling that I give an awful lot of energy and time to several relationships in my life where the return is not quite there. Not that I do things to get things, but typically in healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships it naturally works out that way, and there is a balance.

My intention and hope is to find ways to water seeds of new friendships with others who are looking for mutually rewarding conversations, laughter, and silliness.

I wish the same for you!

I also wish to explore the side of me that is more daring.  The part that considers a small tatoo of the Artist known as Prince's symbol on her lower back. The edgier, more confident, outgoing side. It's in there. She's been supressed for too long, I think. 

And part of the fear is probably around - as I let her surface - will those in my life still like/love me? Will my relationships hold up? How radically might my life change (or not)? I want to explore the part that cares less about what others think of her and how they might judge her.

If you have been drifting from your physical practice, rather than beat yourself up, please consider the reasons why you may be avoiding. Show yourself kind compassion as you would a dear friend, and love yourself through your findings and as you trek on the journey through healing whatever wounds you may discover.

In peace, love, and light...

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo

We Are Not Our Emotions - The difference between "I am" and "I feel"

Emotions are temporary, or transient. Just think about this day alone.  You may have felt happy, sad, disappointed, angry, confused, and so much more, all in the course of a single day.  With that in mind, it becomes clear that we are obviously NOT our emotions.

For example, so many of us say: "I am angry," which could translate to, "I am anger."
No you are not. You are you. Feelings and emotions that come through you are transitory states.

It would be more accurate to say, "I have anger," "I am experiencing anger," or "Anger is passing through me."  This way, we do not connect our identity and who we are at the core with some fleeting things that are not who we really are.

May you take comfort in knowing that this, too, shall pass.
May you take comfort in knowing that laughter will return....that tears are a part of the cycle...and that you have all the tools you need - right inside of you - to weather any emotional storm that may be passing through.

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulio

"He said, WHAT?!?" | We ALL Get Insecure - Getting to the root of Insecurity

I had every intention today to write about embracing insecurity in my own life, but the Universe had a slightly different plan. Instead, I was a witness to a raging surge of insecurity as displayed by someone I love and care for deeply.  He is one of my closest friends on this planet, and since he does not usually allow himself to exhibit emotional vulnerability, I was particularly taken back by our exchange and his willingness to open up about about his insecurities - though he never called them that.

Up until recently, I depended on this friend for a lot.  I was a long-term unemployed individual with very little money coning in from unemployment insurance, and I had periods where I was emotionally needy...and he was there for me in every way, always supporting me and encouraging me.

About a month ago, I landed a great job not too far from home.  I am treated well there and actually look forward to going to work, both for the exciting work that allows for creative opportunities as well as the structure of operational duties, but I also enjoy the company of the people that I work with.

Everything was fine with my friend until about one week into my job. Then he began to change. He seemed distant, less affectionate, and even angry and bitter at times.  I felt a bit like I was being avoided, and it really hurt.  I questioned myself - had I done anything wrong? Could I have offended him in some unintentional manner?  I asked him, but he denied it. He said he hadn't been sleeping well and had a lot on his mind.  But, the new tension - the stressed state of our relationship left me feeling like I had a knot in my stomach. It was very unsettling.

Today, we were driving around, and he said to me, "You don't need me."  "What?" I asked.  "You don't need me," he said, "If you wanted to go off on your own now, you have everything you need to take care of yourself."  I took a deep breath and thanked the powers that be for this opportunity to show love and compassion, and to see what a destructive beast insecurity can be and how badly it can make others around you feel to see you in that state.

My original reaction though, was to say, "What? You need everyone in your life to 'need' you? Can't I just love you?" This is when I really felt stunned. He said he felt that he wasn't loveable and wondered why I would possibly desire to be with him if I didn't "need" him in some way.  In that moment I reassured him of how loveable that he is, and I acknowledged, for myself and for him, that I have always had everything I needed and could have gone off and taken care of myself, on my own, at any point, even when I was down and out financially on unemployment. I have been homeless in my life, and not that I would allow things to get that bad, but there are always friends' couches to sleep on and roommate situations, local places of worship - I wouldn't be out on the street.

If I were that unhappy with our relationship, I could have gone and done that at anytime. I know that. I was there because I love him.  After that conversation, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted and our relationship felt less strained and more "back to normal."

It is so easy for us to get self-centered and think that everything is about us - that our insecurities and issues are so important - that we forget that what we are going through - EVERY day, is part of the collective human experience. Someone, somewhere, is dealing with the issues that you are dealing with. Many people are.  Sometimes, when we see someone else who we love struggling with something we've also had difficulty with in lives, we are able to extend them love, compassion, understanding, and reassurance.  Then, we realize that we've tapped into a well of strength within - something that we can then turn to and utilize for healing within our own heart and soul.

Insecurity. It can only heal when it is brought out into the light, spoken about, and addressed. Often times, the things that make us feel insecure are not even truths at all. Exposing them in the light initiates the healing.

May you bring your insecurities into the light and be a source of love, compassion, and healing in the life of someone who is feeling insecure right now.

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo

I found the image of the Insecurity T-Shirt on Zazzle

Embracing Insecurity

That's right - I said, "Embracing Insecurity."  I once had a spiritual teacher who suggested something that I found to be quite odd.  I told her that I felt really "dark" one particular day. It was completely out of character for me, and it scared me. 

"Why does it scare you?" she asked, "Everyone experiences anger. Why don't you Embrace it?"  I really had no idea what she was talking about. "You mean, maybe do something artistic with big, violent black swirls across the paper? What do you mean, embrace the anger? I have shame around the anger. Anger is a bad thing. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to express the anger. I just want it to go away."

"The only way it will go away is if you meet it face-to-face. Ask it why it's here and what it needs. Love it, and then free it to be on its way.  If you run from it, it will only continue to return and leaving you feeling uncomfortable."

This made sense.  She went on, "Why don't you completely embrace it by doing what I've suggested, and to top it all off, dress in grungy 1990s clothes - maybe in all black or dark plaid. Wear dark makeup, and give off a little 'tude. Just for a day - embrace the anger."

I walked away from our conversation giggling and thinking that it was a crazy enough idea that I would try it.  The next morning, I got ready for my job (then as a social worker), and since I knew I'd be desk bound for the day and not out in the field meeting with clients, I dug in my closet and found some "dark" clothes, kind of amused that I actually had some in my closet. :-)

What I put together was a black and white button down, long sleeved shirt, a black skirt, black nylons, and yes, black shoes. I did my eye make up a bit more heavy and wore a slightly darker lipstick that I usually do. I didn't want to go full-force gothic, as I did not want to be hauled away as an insane person - the flip would have been way too much for all of those PsyD's and MSWs.

I got to work and felt a growl in my throat and a heaviness in my step. I asked anger why it was here and what it needed. And, you know what? It just needed to be acknowledged, accepted, and released.

I walked around that day at work and actually got compliments on my "edgy" outfit and told that I look really great in dark eye makeup.  It was the oddest thing ever.  The side of me that terrified me so...the side that I did not even want to acknowledge, let alone embrace, was just a normal, human experience that others could see and identify with.

These days, it's insecurity that has been coming up, and I've been trying to ignore it.  As I sat down to think about how I would approach insecurity in this blog post, the story of my spiritual teacher and the conversation about Embracing Anger came to mind. And, I'm glad it did...because tomorrow I am going to get up and Embrace the Insecurity.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo

The beautiful image in this post is by: Chris Wagner