The Masks That We Wear (Also My Facebook Wellness Giveaway Details!)

"We all wear masks - metaphorically speaking."
- Ben Stein as Dr. Arthur Neuman in "The Mask"

In psychology, we learn that humans tend to show different sides of themselves to different people or groups of people (which is a good thing - we don't want to be so indiscreet that we share the same things we'd tell our closest and dearest friends with, say, our insurance brokers.)

While we remain ourselves at the core, there are situations in which we intuitively know or feel that it is either okay or inappropriate to share a part of ourselves.  We tend to share more with people we trust and hold back when with people we don't (or in situations that require us to present ourselves academically or professionally.)

This is true of all human beings, including famous figures such as Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn is a great example of the masks theory.  She presented herself as a sexy vixen, full of confidence and glamour. Yet in her death, we learned that underneath the alter ego of Marilyn, there was a woman by the name of Norma Jean Baker, who many say was a vulnerable, insecure, and at times emotionally unstable.

She is quoted as having said: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

I thought of Marilyn today after I caught myself uttering insecurities galore.  Since I write about self-confidence, love, and acceptance, one of my coworkers found it quite curious that I would say such things when I present so much differently through my Sulilo persona.   I am truly grateful that she said something.

It really made me think, and I want to share this:

I am on this road along side of you.  This journey is life-long (and for most of us numerous life-times long), and I surely have not mastered the arts of self-confidence, self-love, or self-acceptance. In fact, I consider much of my writing to be a reflection of my own vulnerabilities as well as love letters to myself and to any other soul with which my messages resonate.  Many times, the topic of my blog will spring from a personal experience or observation, and I write as if I were my own best friend and were going through the same situation. What would I say?

My intention is to tune into Source, to Life, and my Heart when I present you with various topics and discussions. May you be blessed and take from it what you need.  May you remember that none among us is perfect - not even the biggest self-help Guru on the planet.  We are all on this road together.

Namaste.

Despite The Messages We Are Given - YOU are Beautiful!

Each and every human being is beautiful, just as they were created.  Society - especially in the West - teaches us that if we don't look like a hot hottie on MTV or in Hollywood that we are somehow inferior.

We are presented with altered images of unrealistic body images and are "told" that this is what is beautiful.

Actress Jessica Alba
Left:original image.
Right: altered image as presented in magazine
Note the tiny disproportionate waist size in the photo on the right.

The truth is, unrealistic and unattainable images are presented to us - especially to women - all of the time. Real beauty is what you see when you look in the mirror. Real beauty is the love that radiates from your heart...that can be felt in your touch and the space around you...that can be seen in the compassion of your eyes.

If you're having a down day and feeling badly about yourself...insecure...concerned about appearances.  Take a few moments right now. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Repeat to yourself: "I am a child of the Universe, and I am Worthy. I am perfect, just as I was created."

If you believe this message and know someone who might need this reminder, please share it with them. ♥

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo

The Power of Friendships

Meeting with two dear friends this week (one on Thursday evening, the night my partner was in a motorcycle accident) and the other today, reminded me of how important it is that we nurture our relationships.

It's never quite like childhood again - where you could count on seeing your friends every day at school...or when you knew that the neighborhood kids would almost always be up for playing on the weekends.

As children, we are so good at forming, developing, and nurturing friendships. When I was in school, we chatted on the phone so much when we weren't actually together doing "something," even if that something was simply sitting around together talking and laughing.

As we get older, many of us naturally begin to feel drawn to someone who becomes our partner. Some of us go on to expand the love by creating a family.  Then the little family world becomes self-inclusive.  We notice that we no longer have as close of ties with friends as we once did.  It is natural, of course, for they, too have started to go in different directions - new relationships, jobs, locations, family issues.

It will unlikely ever be as easy as it was to maintain close, long-term friendships as it was when we were children.  As adults, it takes commitment, motivation, and the willingness to make time in order to nurture our relationships.

With a recent passing in my family, a new job, and a new kitten, I was pretty much m.i.a. for about 6 weeks.  I was so busy that I barely had time to respond to emails or texts, let alone to return a phone call.  People who cared about me were a little bit worried, and they also felt a bit hurt.  After some communication, though, it became clear as to how several major shifts at once had contributed to my lack of responsiveness, and firm plans were finally made.

On Thursday night, my dear friend and I breathed together. We walked together. We had dinner together.  We laughed. I did a little bit of crying. She did a lot of supporting. We visited my partner in the hospital together. It was one of those amazing summer evenings that I wish my partner could have been out enjoying with us, but he was laid up in the hospital, hurt and alone. My friend helped us to both feel better, and she reminded me of the need to be sure I was taking good care of myself so that I would be able to help my partner.  I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She practiced pranayama with me and didn't even know it - or maybe it was more like big belly sighs. Ahhhhh.   ☺  We discussed the importance of our relationship, how much it means to both of us, and, once we were shocked by the updates we were giving each other last Thursday evening (WHAT? That happened and I am just hearing about it NOW?), we decided to get on a once a week phone call plan and to make it our intention to use that time to stay connected.  I am so happy about this.

Today, I spent the morning with one of my Yoga teachers, who is also my friend.  We spoke openly, in mutual respect, about a myriad of things.  We attended a very relaxing and meditative 90-minute restorative Yoga class. It was so nice to be on the mat next to her, with her being a receiver and participant, able to enjoy the class. Every other time we've been together in a Yoga environment, she's been the teacher and I've been the student. It was really nice to practice with her, side-by-side, as friends. We then went on a nice walk and had a great heart-to-heart discussion.

This was followed by lunch, and the weather could not have been more perfect. It was warm with a very gentle breeze. We sat outside overlooking a lake, eating delicious Tex-Mex food. We were laughing at how ferociously hungry we both were and how we devoured the chips and salsa so fast that we began to have "food anxiety" as to whether the waiter would refill our items quickly enough for us.   We talked about the universal issue of feeling insecure and the different places it could stem from, and how simply reviewing a situation from a positive, loving perspective (instead of from a place of fear) can really help us to see that we often worry that people are thinking things about us or doing things with regards to us, and most of it is just monkey mind - insecure chatter that is so far from the truth of reality.

Mark Twain once said, "I have lived a long life and had many troubles, most of which never happened."

So many of our worries never manifest or never were issues to worry about to begin with.  In conferring  with friends,  we are reminded that we are not alone. We are more alike than we are different. And we can't and should not go it alone.

I am so thankful for my friends and loved ones, and I wish you the feeling of peace in a network of people that you feel connected with. May those relationships be nurtured and enjoyed, as I continue to have happen in mine.

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo


Photo of Teenage Girls from People Magazine.
Be Happy image is from PhotoLog.

"He said, WHAT?!?" | We ALL Get Insecure - Getting to the root of Insecurity

I had every intention today to write about embracing insecurity in my own life, but the Universe had a slightly different plan. Instead, I was a witness to a raging surge of insecurity as displayed by someone I love and care for deeply.  He is one of my closest friends on this planet, and since he does not usually allow himself to exhibit emotional vulnerability, I was particularly taken back by our exchange and his willingness to open up about about his insecurities - though he never called them that.

Up until recently, I depended on this friend for a lot.  I was a long-term unemployed individual with very little money coning in from unemployment insurance, and I had periods where I was emotionally needy...and he was there for me in every way, always supporting me and encouraging me.

About a month ago, I landed a great job not too far from home.  I am treated well there and actually look forward to going to work, both for the exciting work that allows for creative opportunities as well as the structure of operational duties, but I also enjoy the company of the people that I work with.

Everything was fine with my friend until about one week into my job. Then he began to change. He seemed distant, less affectionate, and even angry and bitter at times.  I felt a bit like I was being avoided, and it really hurt.  I questioned myself - had I done anything wrong? Could I have offended him in some unintentional manner?  I asked him, but he denied it. He said he hadn't been sleeping well and had a lot on his mind.  But, the new tension - the stressed state of our relationship left me feeling like I had a knot in my stomach. It was very unsettling.

Today, we were driving around, and he said to me, "You don't need me."  "What?" I asked.  "You don't need me," he said, "If you wanted to go off on your own now, you have everything you need to take care of yourself."  I took a deep breath and thanked the powers that be for this opportunity to show love and compassion, and to see what a destructive beast insecurity can be and how badly it can make others around you feel to see you in that state.

My original reaction though, was to say, "What? You need everyone in your life to 'need' you? Can't I just love you?" This is when I really felt stunned. He said he felt that he wasn't loveable and wondered why I would possibly desire to be with him if I didn't "need" him in some way.  In that moment I reassured him of how loveable that he is, and I acknowledged, for myself and for him, that I have always had everything I needed and could have gone off and taken care of myself, on my own, at any point, even when I was down and out financially on unemployment. I have been homeless in my life, and not that I would allow things to get that bad, but there are always friends' couches to sleep on and roommate situations, local places of worship - I wouldn't be out on the street.

If I were that unhappy with our relationship, I could have gone and done that at anytime. I know that. I was there because I love him.  After that conversation, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted and our relationship felt less strained and more "back to normal."

It is so easy for us to get self-centered and think that everything is about us - that our insecurities and issues are so important - that we forget that what we are going through - EVERY day, is part of the collective human experience. Someone, somewhere, is dealing with the issues that you are dealing with. Many people are.  Sometimes, when we see someone else who we love struggling with something we've also had difficulty with in lives, we are able to extend them love, compassion, understanding, and reassurance.  Then, we realize that we've tapped into a well of strength within - something that we can then turn to and utilize for healing within our own heart and soul.

Insecurity. It can only heal when it is brought out into the light, spoken about, and addressed. Often times, the things that make us feel insecure are not even truths at all. Exposing them in the light initiates the healing.

May you bring your insecurities into the light and be a source of love, compassion, and healing in the life of someone who is feeling insecure right now.

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo

I found the image of the Insecurity T-Shirt on Zazzle

Embracing Insecurity

That's right - I said, "Embracing Insecurity."  I once had a spiritual teacher who suggested something that I found to be quite odd.  I told her that I felt really "dark" one particular day. It was completely out of character for me, and it scared me. 

"Why does it scare you?" she asked, "Everyone experiences anger. Why don't you Embrace it?"  I really had no idea what she was talking about. "You mean, maybe do something artistic with big, violent black swirls across the paper? What do you mean, embrace the anger? I have shame around the anger. Anger is a bad thing. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to express the anger. I just want it to go away."

"The only way it will go away is if you meet it face-to-face. Ask it why it's here and what it needs. Love it, and then free it to be on its way.  If you run from it, it will only continue to return and leaving you feeling uncomfortable."

This made sense.  She went on, "Why don't you completely embrace it by doing what I've suggested, and to top it all off, dress in grungy 1990s clothes - maybe in all black or dark plaid. Wear dark makeup, and give off a little 'tude. Just for a day - embrace the anger."

I walked away from our conversation giggling and thinking that it was a crazy enough idea that I would try it.  The next morning, I got ready for my job (then as a social worker), and since I knew I'd be desk bound for the day and not out in the field meeting with clients, I dug in my closet and found some "dark" clothes, kind of amused that I actually had some in my closet. :-)

What I put together was a black and white button down, long sleeved shirt, a black skirt, black nylons, and yes, black shoes. I did my eye make up a bit more heavy and wore a slightly darker lipstick that I usually do. I didn't want to go full-force gothic, as I did not want to be hauled away as an insane person - the flip would have been way too much for all of those PsyD's and MSWs.

I got to work and felt a growl in my throat and a heaviness in my step. I asked anger why it was here and what it needed. And, you know what? It just needed to be acknowledged, accepted, and released.

I walked around that day at work and actually got compliments on my "edgy" outfit and told that I look really great in dark eye makeup.  It was the oddest thing ever.  The side of me that terrified me so...the side that I did not even want to acknowledge, let alone embrace, was just a normal, human experience that others could see and identify with.

These days, it's insecurity that has been coming up, and I've been trying to ignore it.  As I sat down to think about how I would approach insecurity in this blog post, the story of my spiritual teacher and the conversation about Embracing Anger came to mind. And, I'm glad it did...because tomorrow I am going to get up and Embrace the Insecurity.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Namaste,
Debbie aka Sulilo

The beautiful image in this post is by: Chris Wagner